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Confession: For the past six months, I haven’t been myself.
Every time I was asked how I was, I would bite my tongue, smile politely and say I was fine. But deep down, I knew there was a huge elephant in the room, a longing sense of dread I couldn’t shake, and no matter how much I distracted myself, the feeling of the inevitable crept its way into the forefront of my mind, screaming that something was definitely wrong.
I had lost sight of all of the progresses I had made when it came to my everyday life. I wasn’t going to the gym as consistently, a place I had found peace and solitude. I wasn’t as enthusiastic about creating content and the thought of taking the time to better educate myself was overwhelming. I was losing myself at an accelerated rate and I didn’t know how to pump the breaks. But in the same exact breath, I was comfortable with my stagnant life.
It had been pretty evident the past six months things weren’t always sunshine and rainbows. In videos, I felt myself making more and more excuses for not only my actions, but the actions of others. People’s actions were speaking volume, but the empath I am allowed them. I had lost my voice, my pride and accepted it for what it was: I was just existing in life and didn’t have a fire within me. I was giving up and losing myself along the way.
It might have taken me to travel around the world, step out of my normal environment and to have someone sit me down and open my eyes to the situation at hand. It was a comfort that I didn’t want to disrupt, but I allowing myself to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of keeping a peace that was no longer was there. Without going into the details and situations out of respect for the both of us, Ryan and I have decided to end our four year relationship. Just know that he and I mutually came to this decision and we’re both okay.
Four years is a long time to spend with someone and not for a second do I regret a single moment, but rather I am eternally grateful for it because it has taught me so much about loving another person, patience in life and about myself as a woman I aspire to be. We traveled the world, grew up together and formed long-lasting memories that I’ll always cherish.
Even though I have lost a part of myself in the past six months, it’s time to rise (again). I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy or condolences about what happened with Ryan and I, but rather I am asking for patience and forgiveness. (You might noticed I basically took the entire month of February off from posting content because mentally, I couldn’t give 100% and I wouldn’t be proud of putting half-assed content out there. Our travel videos to Prague and Budapest will be coming soon, I promise. I just had some things to get off my chest first…)
With my 26th birthday less than a week away, it’s never been more clear how important it is for me to find myself. How important it is to surround myself with positive, contagious energy and good vibes and people who love me unconditionally and want me to succeed.
& like a phoenix, she will rise 🔥