[This isn’t my normally schedule content, but sometimes you just gotta write it down and get it off your chest. Normally my most sincere, bottom-of-my-heart writing comes in the wee hours of the morning and this one’s no exception, a homage to my old blog Things I’ll Never Say, something you encouraged me to do. This one’s for you, B since I know you’ll read this, you already told me you would.]
I’m not one to have pity parties for myself. I wipe my tears, suck it up and move on. But, it’s 2:04 in the morning and it finally hit me in face: It’s over. For real this time. And I can’t sleep, so you really did know this was coming.
It’s not like I should be shocked or blindsided, you told me from the start it probably wouldn’t work out. We lied and said we could still be friends. I thought we could, damn it I really thought we could.
For years I wondered ‘what if’: What if we stuck it out the first time? What if we gave us a fair chance then? What if we really were meant to be together? Coincidences laid themselves out, and it always went back to you. Every person who came into my life always compared to you: You were always the metric. I wouldn’t hesitate twice to say you were the first real love of my life, because you taught me so much about what love was: how to love someone who’s broken, how to be someone’s peace when their world is chaos, and how to process all the thoughts mulled in my brain when I couldn’t pin to a wall. You might not have ever believed you could love fully again, but you taught me a lot about love. Both times around. You’ve impacted my life for the better and I can never thank you enough for that.
I remember you telling me about the blog post I wrote ages ago, a letter I indirectly addressed to you. I wish I saved it. I wish I remembered what I wrote, but I know it stuck with you. And for that, I am sorry. This one, I’m not, though I don’t think this one is as harsh since we’re ending on much better terms, Casper…
I’d never tell you how much you meant to me or how much I loved you, wanted you, needed you. I’d never let you have the upper hand. I was fully prepared to go the rest of my life never speaking to you again but in all honesty, I’m so happy you sent me that thumbs up that morning. There was a reason why I still held onto that ticket stub for the first date we went on nearly six years ago. (Yes, it was the one date). There was a reason that you never left my subconscious. It just wasn’t our time then, but this time around, we made it count. We weren’t bullshit.
I’m so glad we gave each other the best we could when we did. I’m just sorry it wasn’t enough, on both ends. I don’t have any hatred in my heart for you, and to be honest, I don’t know if I ever will. You’re still my best friend: I’ll always be your peace and your biggest cheerleader and your number one fan. Never for a second will I not love you or care about you. We had our fire, and damn did we burn. There’s not a thing I regret or a thing I would change differently. I’m just sorry it couldn’t be you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough to make you believe in love again. I gave it my all, and I know you did too.
We just knew this would end from the start.